My Real Struggle and Recovery of Postpartum Depression

Today I began a new chapter of my life in openly speaking about my struggle with postpartum depression.  I felt the strong urge to reach out and open my heart to other mothers who have experienced what I have this past year.  

I am going to be very honest with my experience and not sugar coat anything. So I hope your ready for the raw truth. I also want to state that this is my experience and that you do not have to follow any of my suggestions if it does not feel right for you.

When I would hear a story about postpartum depression, I would think that it only happened to "other women" and that it was overplayed in the media by some celebrities. I thought it could never happen to me being an acupuncturist and birth doula specializing in women's health, fertility and postpartum care.  I really thought I knew how to prevent it from happening with my knowledge as a practitioner and a holistic mother. 

Kala at 2 months with Me in Bliss

So I was almost in shock and straight denial when it DID happen to me.  I'll start by giving you a small overview of what occurred after the birth of my second child Kala.  I had a wonderful all natural delivery and was on cloud nine the first month after Kala was born.  I even encapsulated my placenta, got acupuncture and took some postpartum herbs for quick recovery.  I felt great and fully recovered after six weeks of delivery!  It was a completely different experience compared to my first postpartum recovery.   

I was breast feeding and resting when I could.  At around six weeks, I felt the dread of going back to work and leaving my newborn. Don't get me wrong. I love my job and was happy to have a small break from being a "mama cow" lol for a few hours.  

I was pumping every time I went to work and breast fed her pretty much every two to three hours during the day and about once during the night.  Then I noticed my milk supply took a huge dip when Kala was about six months old.  I felt sad and upset that I couldn't stimulate more milk for her and soon the spiral of guilt, resentment of not being able to be at home with my baby and self sabatoge began.  When Kala was seven months old, something really changed in my behavior. I mean really changed. 

I noticed having severe mood swings and lots of anxiety and depression.  I was more irritable and angry that I couldn't get simple things done the way I used to do.  I began thinking that I was going crazy or possibly bipolar, but I knew in my heart that I was not myself.  Something had changed my behavior and as a practitioner seeing these things daily, I had a feeling it was a hormonal imbalance. Thank God I knew the signs.  

That is why I am sharing my experience with all of you.  I want to help prevent postpartum depression for other women or at least educate them to know the signs. Most importantly to GET HELP right away.  I was in denial and didn't seek help until my baby was eight months old.  By that time, my hormones were so wacky and imbalanced, that my naturopath was shocked how I was still functioning and happily treating my patients.  

I had a hormone panel done and the results were astounding. I had almost menopausal levels of progesterone, estrogen, and estradiol.  These hormones are all indications of mood stability and balance.  The problem was that I had not had a period for about eight months because I was breast feeding. My naturopath urged me to stop breast feeding slowly in order to stimulate my period and have my hormones naturally balance out.  I tried weening my daughter at eight months and it was truly hard for me.  Each time I would breast feed, I would get happy because of the release of oxytocin aka "the happy hormone" when you breast feed.  Then I would get depressed whenever I wouldn't breast feed her for more than a 6 hour gap.  It was horrible. I couldn't break the cycle.

Then I had to make an important decision. Whether to keep feeling utter hopelessness and constant depression or to take action and be a better mother.  I had to choose my health as a priority and stop breast feeding so I could take supplements in order to help balance my hormones.  

I notice many women struggling with breast feeding today.  They don't want to stop breast feeding or take the time to incorporate self care (therapy, massage, acupuncture, date nights, exercise etc.) because of the guilt of "looking bad" or because they just want to sacrifice everything for their child.  And I am not slamming that one bit, because I did it too! 

To give you perspective, I was in a place where I did not know how to love myself anymore and felt very lonely and defeated.  I was putting myself down daily. Perhaps because I was angry that I had an umbilical hernia after my second child that I now have to get plastic surgery on (which still looks like I am 2 months pregnant) or that I had ZERO down time running after a baby and 3.5 year old while working part-time.

There was one day when I realized that I was so unhappy and felt a serious lack of joy in my life.  That day was a real low for me. Because my close family and friends know that I am usually a very positive and uplifting person.  I have a lot of energy and love to help others heal.  *And the irony now was that I did not know how to heal myself! I kept thinking, "How could I not know how to heal myself and I am a healer working on others daily?"  I was frustrated and confused.  I became lost in the abyss of victimhood.  

So I turned to what has always helped me when I am in a bad mental space-to pray and trust that God had a plan for me. I have always known that some things happen for a reason. So I had to surrender to my obvious postpartum depression and then have the faith that I COULD shift on my own.  I had to let go of hiding my "secret" and the anger I felt in experiencing the pain of depression and being overwhelmed as a working woman and mother of two children.  I knew I had to speak about my experience and share it with others. I thought perhaps I could help one mother in need of a good friend and to let her know she is not alone. 

My saving grace was a good support system.  My faith in God, parents, amazing and patient husband and close friends helped me push through the resistance.  And believe me, there were days I had so much resistance to the process that I was fighting myself.  I started seeing a therapist and getting weekly acupuncture from a very good friend. I also saw a wonderful naturopathic doctor who found out most of my hormone imbalances and how to remedy them. 

So how am I doing now you ask? I am almost 80% better.  And in a place of sheer Gratitude and Acceptance of my experience.  I have now released all my anger and victim hood from 2013 and am ready for a better and more joyful year ahead :)  

My Husband Mukunda, Me, Kala, Setareh, Dad and Mom

*So my message to every mom out there is to get educated and know that it is alright if you have some depression after having a baby.  It CAN happen. And its NOT your fault.  Get a good support system behind you and reach out for help immediately because there is not point in suffering alone.  It's also important to know that postpartum depression DOES eventually lift and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  So if your experiencing it for a couple months, please seek help. 

My wish for ALL mothers is to have a peaceful and beautiful postpartum experience bonding with their babies.  No woman should have to go through postpartum depression alone.  Please feel free to reach out to me if you are experiencing any depression and I am happy to give you any holistic resources. I am also open to hearing your story and creating a community of women that can help support each other through this difficult "fourth trimester."

All My Love and Blessings to You,

Tina Ghahramani-Singh LAc., MSTOM

Licensed Acupuncturist, Birth Doula, Theta Healer

tinathetahealing@yahoo.com